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Chapter 2: 1001 Ways to Harrass Your Customer Service Person
Let me set the scene:
Scenario 1
Time: 4.30 pm
Place: Reception
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special_trille enters the reception area, and D is on the phone. She decides to sit down on the chair and read our propaganda.
D: Can I help you?
special_trille: I'd get up and walk over to the counter, but I'm very comfortable where I am, so I'll shout at you instead.
D: OK, you crazy woman. Thank God we've just recently put up a glass screen that is NOT bullet proof or effective in any way when it comes to protection. What can I do for you?
special_trille: I'm here for Jasmin. Can you tell her I'm here?
D: I'll just give her a call.
D: Hey Jasmin, I've gotspecial_trille waiting for you at the front.
Me: OK, I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, at the front desk...
special_trille: So, did she sound excited? Did you tell her it was me? Because *I'd* be excited if it was me. I mean, why not? I'm fabulous.
D: Yep, you're definitely a friend of Jasmin's.
As if they don't already think there's something terribly wrong with me...will now think that it's contagious.
Scenario 2
Time: 5.30 pm
Place: Libido (Although we all know that it's Barbarellas)
Me: You're new! But everything else is the same.
Porn Man: Not everything. (Porn Man looks slightly put out)
special_trille: Well, the shelves are slanty.
Me: Bah. Show me what's new, Porn Man. Wow me!
Porn Man starts showing us what he consider new and interesting and "very good" pleasure toys. After an hour...
Me: You know what? I'll come back later and buy the whip. You know, the one thing that you didn't show me.
Scenario 3
Time: 6.30 pm
Place: Restaurant
Me: We'd like a table for two.
Irish Waiter: Would like like a table inside or outside?
special_trille: Outside.
Me: But I don't want a seat in the sun. I am a creature of the night, I fear the sunlight. I burn...no wait, that's Spike.
After a few minutes looking around for a table outside, but not one where it's too sunny, we finally sit down.
Irish Waiter: What would you like to have?
Me: We'll have the $12.90 special...
special_trille: ...to share.
Irish Waiter: Would you like anything else?
Me: Could you say, "Oh Dom, you hot, fiesty little hobbit."
special_trille: Yes, dance and sing for us little monkey and we'll give you a $2 tip.
Me: Eh, the accent's all wrong. Could you repeat that...but this time, can you say it in a Scottish accent?
Five minutes later, our garlic bread and soup comes out. We have a new waitsperson. Why? Why? What could we have possibly done?
special_trille: Soup's good.
Me: Mmm.
special_trille: I'm cold.
Me: Me too.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?
Me: I don't know. We made a bit of a fuss with eating outside.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?
Me: Plus, we've already started eating.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?
Me: Let's ask.
Another 5 minutes of trying to catch the waitress' eye before we give up and cause a commotion. Five more minutes and we were settled inside all nice and cosy.
Scenario 3
Time: 7.55 pm
Place: Shopping Centre Carpark
Me: I'm busting. I need to go to the toilet.
special_trille: Just hold on a bit, we're almost inside.
Me: No, must go now. Bladder...weak...can't hold on much longer...
special_trille: Well, if worst comes to worst, we can buy you new underwear...
Me: Don't make me laugh...water...leak...
special_trille: ...and some Depends...
Now going down on escalator...
Me: Move, move, I need to pee...out of the way people.
Escalator full of people move aside, very much like the parting of the Read Sea. We quickly run down the escalator. Oh now! An obstacle!
Me: OUT OF MY WAY SLOW MOVING LITTLE OLD LADY!
special_trille: Um, I think she has a broken hip. See, she's hobbling as fast as she can to get out of your way.
special_trille: (To the little old lady) Sorry, she really needs to go to the toilet.
Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you, but I have a really weak bladder and I'm about to wet myself. You know how you need to go to the toilet, but there's no place to go, so you hold on and it's fine until you finally get to a place were there's a toilet and your bladder knows you're near and so it decides it can relax but really, you can't because if you do you'll lose all control and then it's just a big wet mess and...
special_trille notices that the little old lady is looking a little panicked...
special_trille: Umm...overshare.
Me: Oh, sorry.
We run off, pushing everyone in our path out of the way until finally, our destination. Oh the relief! (pun intended)
Scenario 4
Time: 8.30 pm
Place: Miss Maudes
Actually, we were relatively good there, except I managed to spill my drink everywhere. On the table, on my skirt, on the floor, in my shoes... Other than that, this was almost painless. Although, we did swap tables. Before the great spill. (Mind out of the gutter please)
Signing off,
Me.
Let me set the scene:
Scenario 1
Time: 4.30 pm
Place: Reception
special_trille enters the reception area, and D is on the phone. She decides to sit down on the chair and read our propaganda. D: Can I help you?
special_trille: I'd get up and walk over to the counter, but I'm very comfortable where I am, so I'll shout at you instead.D: OK, you crazy woman. Thank God we've just recently put up a glass screen that is NOT bullet proof or effective in any way when it comes to protection. What can I do for you?
special_trille: I'm here for Jasmin. Can you tell her I'm here?D: I'll just give her a call.
D: Hey Jasmin, I've got
special_trille waiting for you at the front.Me: OK, I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, at the front desk...
special_trille: So, did she sound excited? Did you tell her it was me? Because *I'd* be excited if it was me. I mean, why not? I'm fabulous.D: Yep, you're definitely a friend of Jasmin's.
As if they don't already think there's something terribly wrong with me...will now think that it's contagious.
Scenario 2
Time: 5.30 pm
Place: Libido (Although we all know that it's Barbarellas)
Me: You're new! But everything else is the same.
Porn Man: Not everything. (Porn Man looks slightly put out)
special_trille: Well, the shelves are slanty.Me: Bah. Show me what's new, Porn Man. Wow me!
Porn Man starts showing us what he consider new and interesting and "very good" pleasure toys. After an hour...
Me: You know what? I'll come back later and buy the whip. You know, the one thing that you didn't show me.
Scenario 3
Time: 6.30 pm
Place: Restaurant
Me: We'd like a table for two.
Irish Waiter: Would like like a table inside or outside?
special_trille: Outside.Me: But I don't want a seat in the sun. I am a creature of the night, I fear the sunlight. I burn...no wait, that's Spike.
After a few minutes looking around for a table outside, but not one where it's too sunny, we finally sit down.
Irish Waiter: What would you like to have?
Me: We'll have the $12.90 special...
special_trille: ...to share.Irish Waiter: Would you like anything else?
Me: Could you say, "Oh Dom, you hot, fiesty little hobbit."
special_trille: Yes, dance and sing for us little monkey and we'll give you a $2 tip.Me: Eh, the accent's all wrong. Could you repeat that...but this time, can you say it in a Scottish accent?
Five minutes later, our garlic bread and soup comes out. We have a new waitsperson. Why? Why? What could we have possibly done?
special_trille: Soup's good.Me: Mmm.
special_trille: I'm cold.Me: Me too.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?Me: I don't know. We made a bit of a fuss with eating outside.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?Me: Plus, we've already started eating.
special_trille: Do you think they'll let us change tables and eat inside?Me: Let's ask.
Another 5 minutes of trying to catch the waitress' eye before we give up and cause a commotion. Five more minutes and we were settled inside all nice and cosy.
Scenario 3
Time: 7.55 pm
Place: Shopping Centre Carpark
Me: I'm busting. I need to go to the toilet.
special_trille: Just hold on a bit, we're almost inside.Me: No, must go now. Bladder...weak...can't hold on much longer...
special_trille: Well, if worst comes to worst, we can buy you new underwear...Me: Don't make me laugh...water...leak...
special_trille: ...and some Depends...Now going down on escalator...
Me: Move, move, I need to pee...out of the way people.
Escalator full of people move aside, very much like the parting of the Read Sea. We quickly run down the escalator. Oh now! An obstacle!
Me: OUT OF MY WAY SLOW MOVING LITTLE OLD LADY!
special_trille: Um, I think she has a broken hip. See, she's hobbling as fast as she can to get out of your way.special_trille: (To the little old lady) Sorry, she really needs to go to the toilet.Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you, but I have a really weak bladder and I'm about to wet myself. You know how you need to go to the toilet, but there's no place to go, so you hold on and it's fine until you finally get to a place were there's a toilet and your bladder knows you're near and so it decides it can relax but really, you can't because if you do you'll lose all control and then it's just a big wet mess and...
special_trille notices that the little old lady is looking a little panicked...special_trille: Umm...overshare.Me: Oh, sorry.
We run off, pushing everyone in our path out of the way until finally, our destination. Oh the relief! (pun intended)
Scenario 4
Time: 8.30 pm
Place: Miss Maudes
Actually, we were relatively good there, except I managed to spill my drink everywhere. On the table, on my skirt, on the floor, in my shoes... Other than that, this was almost painless. Although, we did swap tables. Before the great spill. (Mind out of the gutter please)
Signing off,
Me.